on Herman

Awareness of being a coward

I am a coward. I am a coward in the sense that I don't have the courage to put myself out there and be social. I don't have the courage to ask people, friends, family, possible dates, people that I am interested in out. I don't have the courage to show that I am not that busy as people probably think that I am.

The thing is that it is often me who is organising things and inviting people to places. Or is it? I don't know. But it feels like that sometimes. I am not comfortable with organising happenings and throwing parties.

What could I do to solve this? What small steps can I take to fix this? Is there somewhere I could go and make friends? A hobby, a gathering, an event? The easiest way is to find something that you are interested in and that other people are also interested in. However, I find that also difficult. Especially with programming and developers. Often they aren't that outgoing and therefore it's difficult to get a good connection with people like myself.

How many people are actually out there and being social? How big of a percentage of all the people in the same age and gender are outgoing? Because the people that I see are more often those who go out and are social. I don't see the people that are home or somewhere else, and therefore my view is skewed and I am most likely not that of an outsider that I think that I am. There are others like me.

I still also have to remember that the fact that I enjoy being stable and having control of things. I enjoy being home and doing things that aren't flashy and exciting. I get kicks out of cleaning my apartment and having things in order. I enjoy going early to sleep and waking up early. I enjoy. I am defaulting to that every time so that means already something, doesn't it? I have to make an effort to change myself, so I have to think about what is the right amount of effort to put into it.